We’ve made it 10 long months of breastfeeding with only 2 months left until our goal of 1 year. I should be proud of my progress, but all I can think about is how afraid I am to wean from breastfeeding. It’s as if there is a clock ticking time down until we’re finished. Everyday feels numbered until she magically stops latching.
The bond I have with her through breastfeeding is so incredible. I feel so close to her, after all I am literally her life source. We’ve been blessed with a rather easy journey. She latched immediately after birth and we’ve haven’t had many hurdles to overcome. It’s was easy for us. Her and I are meant to be on this journey together.
Naturally, any baby will depend on their mother regardless of how their fed. We’ve only breastfed so this is the only connection that I know. She is so completely attached to me since day 1 and it only continues to get stronger. I worry that if and when we wean that I’m robbing her of comfort, love, and nutrition. My heart breaks into pieces when she cries as is, but I can’t imagine what it will feel like when the tears are caused by refusing her the only thing she knows of.
The selfish part of me thinks “What if she just wakes up one day and doesn’t want to feed?”. How do I prepare for the moment my baby girl doesn’t want me? Not being able to have some sort of closure or last moment together is what I fear. We’ve spent roughly 5 hours a day breastfeeding for the last 10 months. This comes out to be around 1,500 hours breastfeeding. That is 1,500 hours of just her and I, in our own little world. How do we go on not doing what spent nearly 50% of our days doing?
This journey has been the most amazing experience of my life. Breastfeeding my first baby, my little girl. I’ve given her some of the absolute most important days of breastfeeding that she could have. According to the AAP, breastmilk has already reduced her chances of ear infections, type 1 and type 2 diabetes, lymphoma, leukemia, and Hodgkins disease, childhood overweight and obesity.
In the big picture, I don’t know why I’m worrying so much about our days being over. She will love me no matter what and I will still look at her with such admiration as I have since her first minutes in this world. But I do know that I am not the only mother fearing the end of her breastfeeding journey.